What To Do When Your Partner Can’t Get It Up

Published by Aaron Le

10 min read

Relax, it's perfectly normal if your partner doesn't always feel in the mood instantly – he's human, not a robot. If it becomes a recurring issue, it's time to address it. Now, let's discuss what to do when your partner faces difficulties in that department.

bluechew pouch on a nightstand

Don’t blame yourself

Before assuming anything about your man's erectile issues, let's clarify: it's not a sign of cheating, your actions aren't to blame, and it's not about your attractiveness. While erections involve arousal, various factors can impact blood flow, even if he's deeply into you.

Slow it down

If your guy is struggling in the bedroom, ease the tension by slowing down. Instead of rushing into penetrative sex, focus on enjoying each other's bodies through cuddling, extended foreplay, or a relaxing massage. Let him know there are various ways to pleasure you, including oral sex or using sex toys. This takes off the pressure and reduces performance anxiety. Sex therapist Ari Tuckman suggests exploring different options to alleviate the emphasis on maintaining an erection.

Try talking dirty

A simple way to tackle psychological erectile dysfunction (ED) is by talking dirty to your partner. Shift his focus from his concerns to you, boost his confidence by expressing how sexy he is, and share your desires. One woman found that guiding her boyfriend's thoughts in this way helped him relax and became a turn-on for both. Talking dirty becomes a win-win, allowing you to communicate your preferences while helping him break free from worries about his erection.

Clarify your preference

If you and your partner have different sexual desires, it's important to talk openly about when, how often, and the ideal mood for intimacy for both of you. Knowing each other's preferences helps prevent misunderstandings, ensuring you're not caught off guard if your partner isn't in the mood after a challenging day at work.

What if it’s performance anxiety?

Sexual performance can be challenging for a man, especially if he struggles with self-esteem or doubts his ability to satisfy you."Worrying about performance can kill the mood," says Tuckman. If your partner feels the pressure and becomes anxious, it may affect his performance negatively. If your guy is stressing too much, reassure him that it's okay and that you're willing to navigate the issue together. Your words of support can help boost his confidence.If performance anxiety persists, suggest seeing a sex therapist together. A sex therapist can help identify and address the underlying causes of the problem.

What if it’s a mental health issue?

Mental health and sexual well-being are closely connected. If your partner is dealing with depression, chronic stress, or anxiety, it can affect his ability to achieve or maintain an erection. During a quiet moment away from the bedroom, gently recommend counseling. Keep in mind that you're not his therapist, so don't feel the need to "fix" him on your own. Your primary role is to offer support and understanding without judgment.

What if it’s a physical issue?

If your man is calm and confident but still facing erectile dysfunction (ED), the issue might be physical rather than mental. Various physical factors can impact his ability to achieve an erection, including:

  1. 1. Low testosterone (levels typically decline with age)
  2. 2. High blood pressure
  3. 3. Heart disease
  4. 4. Obesity
  5. 5. Diabetes
  6. 6. Side effects from medications (such as antidepressants)
  7. 7. Substance abuse, including excessive alcohol and recreational drugs

If your man's ED stems from physical health issues, making lifestyle changes can help. A recent study found that weight loss, increased exercise, and quitting smoking significantly improved ED in men compared to a control group.

Prescription medications like Tadalafil (Cialis), Sildenafil (Viagra), and Vardenafil (Levitra) are effective for treating ED, with about 70% of men experiencing strong enough erections for sexual intercourse, according to Harvard Health.

While getting a prescription used to be inconvenient and costly, services like BlueChew make it easier. Your man can get approved online for free, choose a suitable plan, and have the medications discreetly shipped to his door.

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